an unsettling feeling

so, wow, I have been home for almost five months. I can't believe how the time has flown by, it feels like just yesterday I was in Estonia, and not a day goes by where I don't miss that. I knew coming home would be an adjustment, a struggle even, and that is exactly what it has been. Maybe two weeks after getting home I was BLESSED with a full time pastry chef job at the bakery I work at. I can't explain what an exciting opportunity it has been, it really is my dream job. My entire life I have wanted to work in a kitchen and I finally got the chance, not only that, but I work for people who I respect immensely  I wake up everyday happy, but while I feel happy, I don't even remotely feel fulfilled. After being in Estonia this summer surrounded by people I loved, doing something with so much purpose to come home and not really have any direction has left me with such an unsettling feeling, that makes my insides just ache for something more. And I think this very much is my own doing. I'm not plugged in, I'm not focused, and I've just fallen back into the natural habit of life. One thing I have realized, that I hate to admit, is that there are two sides to my personality that come very naturally. I love to be supportive, encouraging, the "go to" person and THAT is when I feel my best, but I also can very easily become a negative, gossipy, inappropriate person. I've realized that the two of these don't really work together and I really hate when I find myself falling into the negative side. But I guess in realizing that, all I can do is focus on each day ahead of me, and look at my attitude, how approachable I am, and recognize when I'm not that.

In other news I can't help but believe God has a plan for my future in Estonia. A massive piece of my heart has/is consumed with this country, and coming home just makes me even more aware of it. While I would LOVE to go back immediately, I know that's not what I should do. I feel like I have so much to work on at home, so much to learn, to fight for. But in my heart, I can rest in knowing that this will not be the end for me, I take comfort in that.

So for now,
Focus, Determination, Restraint are my key words.

Time for goodbyes

I am sitting here in my hotel room staring at all of my stuff, and I really truly just cant believe I leave tomorrow morning. This summer has been so incredibly challenging, exciting, life changing and  I don’t even know how to wrap my head around the fact that it is over.  75 days ago  I had no idea what I was getting into, all I knew was I was excited, but I never would have imagined my heart being impacted in this way, and walking away with so many amazing memories. This summer I found amazing new friends, I found hearts that I connect with, an amazing intern team that was there for me through everything, I found a group of friends that could lift me out of any bad mood, who could make me laugh non stop and who accepted me exactly for who I was. People that I would stay up with til late just talking, laughing, playing games and occasionally a nice crying session.  This summer I also got to see God move in so many amazing ways, and I was shown how in EVERY situation He provides. In every camp He brought a team of amazing Americans who loved so freely and deeply for each student. I saw Estonian, and American students alike put themselves in such vulnerable positions to either share very personal stories about their life, or just simply by standing on stage and acting like a fool. I saw students hearts come alive, I saw them receive so much love, and then turn around and love on us in such a beautiful way.  I saw impact everywhere I went. And then I saw God move in my heart. There is something so unique and  special when people compliment you not on looks, or skills, but on character, Ive been so surprised with peoples words to me, and it has been an absolutely humbling experience. I haven’t always felt peace in my life, and that is something I wrestle with so much, and this summer I have been overcome with such happiness, with  peace for who I am, where I am, for where I have been, and for my future plans. I think sometimes we are so focused on life around us that forget the importance of checking where our heart is, and it can be so easy just to walk through the motions of life.  Although this summer was KINDA crazy, going from one camp to the next, I felt like there was always time to reflect, to not get caught up in the moment, but just to think. I’m walking away with so many beautiful memories, and I have no idea how to even sum up all that has happened this summer. All I know is I’m saying my goodbyes with a FULL heart, and an even deeper love for the country of Estonia, and its people.  For all of you that have made this summer what it was, know that I value each one of you, for the love, joy, acceptance, hospitality you have poured out on to me. I appreciate all of you....and I will be back (I cant make any promises about when) but in my heart I know this is not goodbye forever. Thank you.

Saku Saku Saku Camp

Somehow time has absolutely flown by, and now not only is our second camp over, but we leave for training for our third and final camp tomorrow morning. Oh goodness, where to even start. Rewind two weeks, and our american team arriving. I was actually quite excited for this team, they were coming from NPCC, which is a church I hold very dear to my heart. My first three trips to Estonia were through their youth group, and each time I came to Estonia  I was challenged in ways that I never had been before, and really walked away having discovered something new about myself. so this time I was incredibly excited to be on the other end, to be the people responsible for the camp, and to know that many of these high school students will likely go home with their lives changed. Saku camp was much smaller than our first camp, the whole size including interns, students, local church and americans was 24, this cute little number made for a very homey and family feeling at camp. I really loved seeing how welcoming and loving everyone was, to see the life changing friendships that were formed, and one of my very favorite moments of the camp was when I was talking with one girl from the american team, and as she was praying she was saying that she came here to show other people love, and in return has never felt so loved in her entire life. And I think she hit the nail right on the head. English camp is a life changing experience, where nothing is forced, or fake, but people take genuine interest in the lives and hearts of other people, where those who are not considered "normal"  can come, and are loved on, welcomed, and invited to be a part of things they normally would never be invited to; where no one is judged due to looks, achievments, or beliefs, and a place where competitveness is put aside so everyone (even us sucky ones who just yell at the ball) are invited to play volleyball.  And through English Camps you really get a glimpse of the heart of Jesus, you can see what Christianity is supposed to be. Its the truth that the message of Jesus is one of love, to love your neighbor as yourself, and every last person deserves that. Jesus is love, we have been showed love, and therefor we love others. Right now I feel so blessed to be a part of this experience, to see the lives of Estonian students be changed, to see the kids that at the beginning of the week were shy and sitting in their rooms to at the end of the week have such huge smiles, and full hearts. AHHHH! as per usual, I`m slightly overwhelmed.

If you have been keeping my group in your prayers I ask that this week you still pray for good health and safe travels. Also for open hearts and transparent living. 

Camp has come and gone

Wow, I can't believe our first camp is already over. It feels like I was waiting my entire summer for this camp to come and now in a blink of an eye it is already over. Maybe it went by so quickly because it was such an amazing, exciting, and challenging week. It took a day or two to get in the swing of things, it's a different experience to be in charge of all of the planning of camp and also be behind the scenes, planning environments, setting up, and trying to make sure that everything runs smoothly. This camp was for the church in Kunda, and this is also my third camp with some of these people. The first time I met them was back in 2008 and it was so incredibly exciting to see how everyone had grown up, and how basically all of the students were now small group leaders, and running many different aspects of the camp. I can't begin to explain how awesome it was to catch up with many of these old friends and see all the life change that has occurred, and just to talk, and laugh with all of them. There is nothing more exciting than to be in a place you love, doing what you feel like you are good at, and being part of positive life change. It was also so exciting to see how my story was used, how God used the experiences in my life to speak directly to the hearts of some of the friends/students that I hold dearly to my heart. Wow, what a blessing to be used in that way. The whole week was so amazing, to be able to sit and watch the heart of our Father working in the hearts of youth, and filling everyone with such Joy, to see friendships form with people from all walks of life, different ages, and from different countries. All in all our first camp was a great success, it was such a bittersweet goodbye when the time came for us to leave, and after a few very needed nights of good sleep, a short 2 day vacation to the beach I am ready for what our next camp has to bring. Our next American team comes from Northpoint on Friday, we do training on Saturday and then all of our students come on Sunday. AND I CAN'T WAIT.

I ask that you still keep praying for our team, especially because at this camp our camp director Riina won't be there due to work so I am taking over her responsibilities, and now along with being an intern I will be the director. I'm excited for the challenge, and pray that I can take on the responsibilities, and be a successful leader. pray for open minded students, for safe travels for our American team, and a healthy blessed week of camp.

love all of you,
if you want to hear more of camp email or facebook me!
love,

Megan

Changed by LOVE.

Hello everyone from Viljandi!! Its been exactly one week since I’ve been in Estonia! After the amazing race, a few days of training, and then a 20+ drive from Czech I can finally say I AM HERE. My first few days were spent in the town of Tartu, which is where half of our team will be serving, and then as of Tuesday me and one of the other interns MK arrived in Viljandi which will be our summer home along with two other interns who are joining us later.  About an hour outside of Tartu, Viljandi has about 20,000 residents, and is a beautiful small town with a lake, and castle ruins. While we are here we will be spending time preparing for camps but we are also spending a majority of our time getting to know the youth in the town. Last night was our first night meeting everyone and we had a game night at our house, and then today we played some ping pong. I had the opportunity to talk to some of the students and ask them if they would be coming to English camp (so far we only have about 6 people signed up) and one of the things I realized while talking to them was that money is a major concern. The camp cost for an entire week is $45 Euros. When I heard that this is the reason students wouldn’t be at camp it began to weigh very heavy on my heart; I have been in that position before when I was growing up. I often felt so guilty about asking my parents for money, because camps were expensive, and I  thought the answer would be no, or if they did pay for it I felt like it was money that probably could have gone other places. Whether it was church camp, or the 7^th grade trip,  it was something I always dreaded asking for and there were a few times I had to miss out. But its not the few experiences where I wasn’t able to go on these trips that I remember the most, but it was when God provided a way for me. It was when my best friends family offered to pay for an entire Disney trip and that same family would take me out to weekly dinners, or even help me buy my homecoming dress, it was also the times when my church gave me a scholarship so I could attend camp, or even when our old neighbors would leave anonymous care packages on our porch with grocery or gas gift cards. It was a reminder that God’s hand  was and is always on me, and that there are many people out there with selfless hearts.   This has left a HUGE impression on me, and I am constantly grateful for all these people who poured out  love to me, where they saw a need (not even necessarily a need, but a want) and they knew they could  fill it. My life has been changed, and ever since then I have seen my duty to be the same light to others. So when I heard that some students wouldn’t be able to go to camp because of money, I knew that somehow I could help change that. I want to do what I can, but I’m also asking YOU to do the same. If you feel lead to donate any money it is 46 Euros is about $57 US dollars. I’ll be posting a link up on my blog later on. But you can also email me at Mkallen401@gmail.com

Thank you
To everyone back home, I love and miss you
Megan Allen

Adventure Time

The last few days have been a WHIRLWIND. Go back to Wednesday when we land in Krakow Poland after about 13 hours of traveling and MAYBE 6 hours of sleep in the past 30+, we THEN have to start the amazing race. I've heard from my other friends that have been that it is incredibly tiring, I thought I knew what I was getting into, but wow, was I wrong. When I say we went all around Poland, I mean we traveled EVERYWHERE, on foot, from morning until night, competing in challenges that tested us in so many ways. Team Estonia, however spirited was not the best with maps. We had a tendency to get incredibly lost, or mislead by the locals giving us directions. For example on the first night we wandered about an hour out of town in search for a statue that turned out to be the wrong one. Team Estonia came in last place two out of the three nights, but while other teams were complaining about their members, how they didn't carry their weight, or being overly competitive, we were enjoying ourselves. We were a unit, a team working in harmony Every challenge ( well other than a few challenges we had to repeat five times) we did them with  a smile on our faces, and we enjoyed where we were and what we saw. We grew incredibly strong in three days time,  we laughed probably more than any other team and although we came in 15th place I feel like we won in the long run. We discovered valuable attributes of each team member, and were really able to see each other shine in certain situations.  There was probably no greater feeling than crossing the finish line and getting to Hotel Malenovice in Czech. A hotel set in the mountains, a truly beautiful place to bask in the glory of God., which is where I am writing this from. Since arriving in Malenovice we have been worshiping, training, and  preparing our minds, and hearts for our summer of service.So far it has been a beautiful experience, and I can't wait to see what God has in store for this summer.

I ask that you all continue to keep me in your prayers. That God continues to prepare our hearts and open our minds what He has to offer.  For health, I'm already sick, and I'm hoping that after this I will have a healthy summer. Also be praying for the hearts of the students that will be put in our paths this summer, that they come receptive and excited for the experiences they will have.


From Czech, in love

Megan.

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I can't believe how close I am to leaving! Time has flown by and in FOUR DAYS I will be getting on a plane. OHHH my packing anxiety has gotten bad, I've been waking up every morning from a nightmare where I have left behind something of importance, I only ended up packing two outfits, or I wasn't allowed to bring my suitcases for some obscene reason. AHHHHH. thinking about packing just gets me nervous....other than a slight case of the packing terrors and worried about all the flying I could not be more excited. I said goodbye to some people at work yesterday,and tonight is my last shift :] then to cram in family time, friend time, and packing time all before I leave!!

In other news I was checking my email today, and I learned some more details about the amazing race which will be the first thing we do upon arriving!! It will be from May 30th-June 1st,  we will be going straight from the airport, splitting into our countries and starting from there!? I know our plane lands in Krakow, so I'm guessing it will be around Poland and other surrounding areas????

If you have been keeping me in your prayers I ask that you continue to pray.
Right now that I can calm my nerves about packing and the stress of flying
And above all, full hearts, healthy bodies, and safe travels


I'll keep everyone informed as much as I can and try and update when I get free time

in love,
Megan

OVERWHELMED

 If you know me, you know that I'm a rather emotional/ sentimental person, I'm very in touch with what I feel, and I  am frequently overwhelmed with some sort of feeling.  For the past few weeks I have felt completely  humbled and blessed with a love for the people in my life.  This trip to Estonia was a leap of faith for me, and really the only thing I have been concerned with is how the money will come together. In such a short period of time God has provided, friends, strangers, coworkers have donated. These are the people that are helping my dreams be realized, and I am so greatful for that. And then my family came along and not only were they excited for this opportuinity, but they have stood behind me, and supported me in a way that just breaks my heart with appreciation. They have surprised me with their gifts, and I feel so overwhelmed with the love I have for them and pleased as a plum for the  unique relationship I have with each one of them. I'm grateful for where we have been, I don't look negativiley on the messy part of our lives where for a period of time all I felt like I knew was dissension, anger, and brokeness, but I look at that time and now all I can say is thank you God, for although I could not control it, I got through it. For although it was not pretty, nor fun, it has taught me so much about love and grace. Holding on to the negative, or deciding to shut off will never do you any favors, but its only when you accept your circumstances that your heart and your capactity for love will grow.  I have yet to find anything more beautiful or satisfying in life that  than being truely in love and to feel the same love reciprocated. This experiece so far has been a reminder to me, that I am loved beyond measure. So thank you to my family. I will be in Estonia because of each one of you. My life will change and you are helping me change other peoples life because of your generoisty.

AND i WANTED EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT YOURE ALL AWESOME.

aw shoot, I've got a tear in my eye now.

The start of a new Journey

May 29th I will be boarding a 7:00 am plane (ew) leaving Atlanta, Georgia. Three stops, and 13 hours later I will be landing in Krakow Poland, the place where my adventure will begin. This is where I'll be starting training for my internship along with 73 other Americans. After training, and our own version of Amazing Race, we will be spreading out, all over Eastern Europe for the remainder of our Summers. The unknown can sometimes be intimidating, stepping out into an unfamiliar land, with unfamiliar people, most of which don't speak the same language, living, breathing, eating in a foreign land. And as I sit here thinking about all of this my heart is starting to beat a wee bit faster, not out of fear, but out of such great excitement. I say BRING ON THE UNFAMILIAR.

I am still having a hard time believing this is actually real life, how do I even begin to wrap my head around all that I will experience and learn over this summer. Ever since my first mission trip to Estonia in 2007 I've dreamt of being an intern, but I've always given myself an excuse, or something to hold me back; for the first time I have jumped in head first, setting my fears aside and just trusting in God's plan for me. It's beautiful how this opportunity has come together, and how incredibly lucky I am to have such a supportive  family and group of friends. So I'm making this blog for YOU, all the homies I love out there, for every person that has supported me financially, or in prayer, and for all the peeps that just want to know what I'm doing. if you know me, then you know how much I enjoy sharing my thoughts and feelings and although I semi hate writing because I feel like my writing skills suck, this will be one of the only ways I can share all that is going on while I'm overseas. So don't mind my lack of proper punctuation, sometimes choppy sentence fragments and RANDOM thoughts, because I'm sure there will be many to come :]


 keep me in your thoughts in prayers
and I'm excited y'all will be taking this journey with me.

your homegirl, daughter, friend, random stranger's blog you just so happened to stumble across
Megan Allen


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