so, wow, I have been home for almost five months. I can't believe how the time has flown by, it feels like just yesterday I was in Estonia, and not a day goes by where I don't miss that. I knew coming home would be an adjustment, a struggle even, and that is exactly what it has been. Maybe two weeks after getting home I was BLESSED with a full time pastry chef job at the bakery I work at. I can't explain what an exciting opportunity it has been, it really is my dream job. My entire life I have wanted to work in a kitchen and I finally got the chance, not only that, but I work for people who I respect immensely I wake up everyday happy, but while I feel happy, I don't even remotely feel fulfilled. After being in Estonia this summer surrounded by people I loved, doing something with so much purpose to come home and not really have any direction has left me with such an unsettling feeling, that makes my insides just ache for something more. And I think this very much is my own doing. I'm not plugged in, I'm not focused, and I've just fallen back into the natural habit of life. One thing I have realized, that I hate to admit, is that there are two sides to my personality that come very naturally. I love to be supportive, encouraging, the "go to" person and THAT is when I feel my best, but I also can very easily become a negative, gossipy, inappropriate person. I've realized that the two of these don't really work together and I really hate when I find myself falling into the negative side. But I guess in realizing that, all I can do is focus on each day ahead of me, and look at my attitude, how approachable I am, and recognize when I'm not that.
In other news I can't help but believe God has a plan for my future in Estonia. A massive piece of my heart has/is consumed with this country, and coming home just makes me even more aware of it. While I would LOVE to go back immediately, I know that's not what I should do. I feel like I have so much to work on at home, so much to learn, to fight for. But in my heart, I can rest in knowing that this will not be the end for me, I take comfort in that.
So for now,
Focus, Determination, Restraint are my key words.
